Top Ten Hentai to Avoid; A consumer’s guide by Erogenous Bosch

CAUTION: The Following May Not be Appropriate for Anyone

(The following deals with hentai and some graphic imagery, you have been warned)

We’ve all been there before. You’re walking around the dealer’s room at a convention or even just the aisles at your local video store and all of a sudden something catches the corner of your eye. It’s a hentai and the cover makes it look pretty good. You turn it around and read the synopsis. It seems even better, so you buy it on a whim. Once you get home, you pop it into the DVD player only to have your face melted off as if you’d gazed upon the Ark of the Covenant. It is for that reason that I have compiled the following guide for the casual pursuer of hentai.

Before we start I just want to say that this is by no means a comprehensive list. All I have done here is put forward a ranking of titles that I personally think should be avoided by all but the most devoted or deviant of hentai fans. I can only limit this list to things I have actually screened so this may seem a bit tame by others’ standards. Be that as it may, here are the contenders:

WARNING: May Contain Spoilers! Not that it really matters with most hentai!

10.) Women at Work (a.k.a. The Guts!)

Distributor: Kitty Media

Licensed by Media Blasters

Synopsis: Just like every other anime protagonist, Akiyoshi has been recently dumped for being a scrawny wimp. Finding an ad for a construction agency he decides to do manual labor to become strong. Upon arriving at the site he finds himself getting a great workout, just not quite for the muscle group he was anticipating.

I'd hit it; wouldn't you?I’d hit it; wouldn’t you?

Right off the bat, I have to credit this OAV for its originality. We’re all used to the staples of hentai: schoolgirls, nurses, police officers, ninjas… but construction workers? Being a fan of tomboys and strong woman types I was definitely willing to give this one a shot and it was not terrible, save for one horrible scene in the second episode. With that said allow me to introduce the character of Taka. Not only is Taka tough but she has a body that would force Joanie Laurer into ‘roid rage. Taka’s tough but comical attitude definitely made for a great supporting character that was endearing and entertaining between the usual hentai fare of the other characters. Rather than keep her character within this role; however, the writers decided to give Taka her very own scene in which she practically rapes Akiyoshi in the shower. In Taka’s defense Akiyoshi doesn’t really say “no” but who would when the female equivalent of Kenshiro is getting ready to lay the Triple X Throwdown on your ass?

9.) Spy of Darkness (a.k.a. Lustful Beast vs. Female Spy)

Distributor: Kitty Media

Licensed by Media Blasters

Synopsis: A failed biological weapons program seeking to create super soldiers instead creates a hideous tentacle monster whose only interest is… well take a guess! When this weapon is stolen by a cliché group of international terrorists our only hope is Q Section’s three best spies: Fearless Leader Babe (Anna), Tough as Nails Demolition Chick (Shion), and Nerdy Computer Girl (Layla). These three use their highly toned skills and bodies to save the day or at least try to.

From left to right; front to back: Crushed to death, blown up, blown up, crushed to death, blown up.From left to right; front to back: Crushed to death, blown up, blown up, crushed to death, blown up.

It’s hard for me to comment on this one because I actually enjoyed it until the last eight or so minutes. I will attempt to explain why. Tentacles have been a staple of Japanese erotica ever since famed ukiyo-e artist Katsushika Hokusai thought “Hmmm, this woodcut could really use some octopi.” Fast forward to 1987 when Toshio Maeda thought “Hmmm, these censorship laws don’t say anything about tentacles” and a revolution was born! However, as time went on the public grew tired of tentacles and hentai gave way to more mundane things like mindless penetration and yuri. Tentacles are more of a novelty these days and are only undertaken by the most skilled of masters or most tired of hacks.

This being the case Spy of Darkness had everything that made classics like Legend of the Overfiend and La Blue Girl so entertaining: Great artwork, entertaining concepts, and surprisingly decent storylines. Towards the end, however, the story kind of writes itself into a corner and crosses the line from “hardcore tentacle porn” to “softcore snuff film.” This is accomplished when the tentacle fiend decides that he has a new fetish and proceeds to crush everyone he can wrap himself around complete with blood erupting from beneath the writhing mass of tentacles. In the end, one of our heroines is crushed to death, another blows herself up, and the third sacrifices herself to end the monster’s reign of terror. Can you guess which one is which? Of course you can.

8.) BloodShadow (a.k.a. Crimson Lotus)

Distributor: Anime18

Licensed by Central Park Media

Synopsis: Rekka is a member of the Crimson Lotus, a band of ninjas charged with eradicating the demons that ceaselessly pester old Japan. Seeing how Rekka is the only man in an organization that seems to be made up completely of women you can see where this is all going.

Maybe if the Crimson Lotus didn't pick their members by cup size they'd be a little more effective.Maybe if the Crimson Lotus didn’t pick their members by cup size they’d be a little more effective.

Ninjas are indeed another staple of hentai and all things considered, this one isn’t bad per say, but it does suffer from one of the worst climaxes in history and that is not a pun because I’m being quite literal. Since hentai ninjas just can’t seem to exist in a world without demons, much of this series’ action revolves around foiling demons in their pursuit of spoiling young virgins. Or rather, it would, if the Crimson Lotus didn’t suck at their jobs and actually helped someone without getting raped or beaten up in the process.

Perhaps the most epic failure on the part of the Crimson Lotus comes when they arrive at a cave just in time to catch some demons in the act with their hostages. The Crimson Lotus ninjas, being the hardened and elite badasses they are, freeze in horror to watch the atrocities unfold. What ensues is one of those horrible combinations of blood, gore, and sex that just makes you say “eww.” As the scene reaches its “climax”, said “climax” causes the unfortunate woman to um…how should I say this? Explode with passion. No, that doesn’t work. She just explodes. I guess a word to the wise is to just avoid any hentai that has the word “Blood” in the title.

7.) Nurse Me (a.k.a. Innocent Nurse Academy)

Distributor: Anime 18

Licensed by Central Park Media

Synopsis: Yumi Asakura is young, pretty, and so naive that I would not be surprised to find out that she has Down’s syndrome. Regardless, she has her heart and soul set on being a nurse and will do anything to achieve this goal, especially if it involves being humiliated and abused by the staff at her nursing school.

Awww, isn't that precious? It's just like Candyland except instead of the Gumdrop Mountains and Molasses Swamp you get to visit Rapevill and the Hershey Highway.Awww, isn’t that precious? It’s just like Candyland except instead of the Gumdrop Mountains and Molasses Swamp you get to visit Rapevill and the Hershey Highway.

There are a lot of hentai out there about nurses and it seems almost silly to single this one out as being particularly bad when the Holy Grail of disgusting nurse porn known as Night Shift Nurses is just so much easier to pick on. Nurse Me, however, is just so much more painful to watch because of Yumi, who takes the whole “passive moron” thing to extremes. You would think a nurse in training would know the basic mechanics behind sexual reproduction, but Yumi can watch her roommate having sex and still not understand what exactly is going on.

Frustrating things further is the deceptively cute artwork that immediately melts away to sinister operating rooms where Yumi is abused by various tormentors. The whole thing gives off a creepy vibe where you feel like you’re watching a hentai that’s being filmed inside the gingerbread house from Hansel and Gretel. Perhaps I’m a bit biased against this one because it’s also the first hentai I saw that had a graphic enema scene in it. I kept trying to skip over it but it just didn’t want to end. That single moment stands out as the instant I stopped believing in God.

6.) Princess 69 (a.k.a. Shintaisou Kari)

Distributor: Kitty Media

Licensed by Media Blasters

Synopsis: Tomomi is fascinated by the possibilities of the Gymnastics of Darkness. This being the case, she appoints the creepy and pedophilic gym teacher Nikosuke to help her create a new gymnastics team specializing in these dark practices. This is basically an excuse for using old Soviet gymnastics training techniques.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Prolonged exposure to this image may cause eye cancer and birth defects in pregnant women.SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Prolonged exposure to this image may cause eye cancer and birth defects in pregnant women.

Gymnasts are yet another of the great conventions in hentai and anime in general. Who isn’t attracted to gymnasts with their tight and flexible bodies resembling those of tiny prepubescent girls? Apparently the makers of Princess 69, this OAV seems to be about brutally torturing gymnasts in any way possible. There’s a lot to cringe at in this one. The lolicon character designs are just the tip of the iceberg as there’s a good deal of bloody deflowering and more urophagia than a wine tasting at the Marquis de Sade’s house.

The icing on the cake, though, is the electric torture sequence. This scene is so horrific to the eyes that the only way anyone can watch it without succumbing to shock is by playing Peter Gabriel’s Shock the Monkey in the background so that the comedic irony will counter its soul crushing effects. (This is a medical fact; I looked it up on the internet) There’s also a sequel entitled Princess 69: Midnight Gymnastics, but I have yet to see it because I’ve heard that just watching the opening causes cancer.

5.) Nymphs of the Stratosphere

Distributor: Kitty Media

Licensed by Media Blasters

Synopsis: Young women with winged ears appear among humanity to relieve the suffering of mankind. Ironically they have no sex organs, which kind of defeat the purpose. Instead their anuses have the ability to transform into weird pseudo-naughty bits. That’s really it; there’s no actual plot to connect this story. It’s just one weird and disturbing vignette after another.

The stealth bombers in the background easily make this one seem like a top notch political techno-thriller. All it needs is the Tom Clancy logo in the corner.The stealth bombers in the background easily make this one seem like a top notch political techno-thriller. All it needs is the Tom Clancy logo in the corner.

I don’t think I really need to say much about why this one is bad, but for all those rectal enthusiasts out there I will argue further. Aside from the absolutely disturbing image of an anus transforming into a hideous and gaping maw of a mantrap, there’s just a lot of really nasty and evil people in this OAV. These archetypes range from a creepy otaku who imprisons his nymph in a cage, to a crazy guy who molests his nymph with a handgun (before proceeding to impale her on a broken broomstick). I really don’t want to project myself on these kinds of people. Tentacle monsters and train molesters are one thing but these guys are just psychos. I suppose the makers of this OAV wanted to communicate some kind of message about how ungrateful and covetous mankind is, since all anyone seems to do is exploit these poor nymphs. Of course, it could just be that they’re a bunch of twisted ass freaks. I choose the latter.

4.) Dark Love (a.k.a. Kuro Ai)

Distributor: Kitty Media

Licensed by Media Blasters

Synopsis: Our hero Tetsuya needs money for a friend’s operation so he hits up his rich aunt Rika for cash. She gives him the money but he has to live in her house and train prostitutes. Tetsuya also doesn’t know that Rika is part of a secret society that guards buckets of potions in the basement that are supposed to be a gift from god. Tetsuya is forced to drink this “Jesus Juice” and becomes irresistible to the opposite sex. He also turns into a tentacle monster but that’s not too important.

You want to put what what in my butt?You want to put what what in my butt?

There is a lot wrong with this one but first I will briefly touch on what is right: the animation and artwork are really well done. By well done I mean that about 65 % of this OAV is in fast motion, cause everything looks funnier that way, right? It also makes it seem like it’s going by faster so you feel like you’ve wasted slightly less time. What I’m getting at here is that most of the sex scenes are done in an animation style that basically looks like they just sped up the footage. Granted this is characteristic of various hentai directed by Terauki Murakami (read, Princess 69) but I have chosen to single out Dark Love because of its content.

Never before has there been such a synthesis of niche fetishes in one scene, much less in one OAV. Cataloguing all of the fetishes in both episodes of this OAV would make Kinsey slit his throat, so I will instead go with the worst one. The makers of Dark Love really seem to like the rectum. So much so that they weren’t satisfied with such cliché things as enemas and gerbils. So they racked their brains and thought “What can we put up there that hasn’t been overdone, yet still has enough appeal as a niche fetish?” The answer? Worms; tons and tons of writhing pink earthworms. Enjoy that image.

3.) Pigeon Blood

Unlicensed, but very popular online so be careful what you click on…

Synopsis: Women are trained to be sex slaves in a stuffy German castle owned by the enigmatic Lady Regina. The actual running of this sex farm for sex hookers is left up to our “hero” Oyakatta; a futanari (Vanessa); and a shrill and annoying dominatrix (Mistress Kaoruko). The three proceed to train the new arrival, Lita, so she’ll be ready in time for the ball. What ensues is a display of extreme BDSM training that is both boring and incredibly disgusting.

Only one of these women has a penis. Try to guess which one; I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.Only one of these women has a penis. Try to guess which one; I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Not surprising that another OAV with the word “blood” in the title makes the list… This hentai is actually quite similar to Dark Love both in terms of premise and the fact that it seems full of itself. I say this because the entire production, from the art film soundtrack to the experimental cuts, reeks of pretension. This goes away pretty quick once you realize that this is an OAV about forcing women to wear catheters while poking them with hypodermics.

There’s a lot of really disturbing sequences in this one, such as when you find out why the maid wears a mask all the time (read, genitals grafted over mouth). The worst one has to come in the form of yet another enema scene. While the sequence in Nurse Me seemed to go on forever, this one is significantly longer because they decide to give it the CSI treatment. They go into slow motion and then speed up before executing a Matrix style freeze frame, where they revolve the camera around each individual droplet, before the entire thing explodes onto the camera. I will give credit to the director for trying to make this hentai somewhat interactive; I won’t give him credit for trying to elevate explosive diarrhea to an art form.

2.) Blood Royal Princess (a.k.a. Blood Royale)

Distributor: Anime 18

Licensed by Central Park Media

Synopsis: Two princesses are kidnapped from their homelands and try to escape the clutches of “The One Eyed Devil”, a pirate who specializes in training sex slaves. I would say something positive like “this is a story about how the two persevere and overcome adversity,” but that would be giving this OAV way too much credit.

Study this packaging. Let it become familiar to you until you can recognize it at a glance. Only then will you be prepared when it comes to claim your soul.Study this packaging. Let it become familiar to you until you can recognize it at a glance. Only then will you be prepared when it comes to claim your soul.

Not content with the lesson I had already learned from watching BloodShadow, I decided to test my theory by subjecting myself to Blood Royal Princess. At first, I was pleasantly surprised to see that any gore and sex were kept at least a hundred yards apart, in conjunction with the restraining order I issued after watching BloodShadow. However, I can only say that this was a “pleasant surprise” in the same way as coming home to find your lover in bed with the entire MS-13 street gang.

I will do my best to keep details to a minimum because I actually care about your sanity. “The One Eyed Devil” (tee hee hee) forces a variety of horrible tortures on the two princesses, which typically involve bodily fluids/solids/fluid-solids. If you haven’t quite gotten the picture yet, you are much too innocent to be reading these pages. Just to drive the point home, the defining moment of why this OAV belongs in the deepest recesses of hell has to be something I will refer to as “the Crap Trap.” Basically the pirate places the princesses in a death trap that will kill one of them (and unknowingly both of them) unless the other willingly does something that would make the Two Girls of internet fame salivate fervently. Kind of like Saw for scat fetishists I suppose.
Bondage Game

This one is also unlicensed and I would pray to any entity, good or evil, that it stays that way.

Synopsis: A young girl named Yuu suffers from amnesia and is mailed off to another one of these bondage castles that seem to permeate Japan and central Europe. She is trained to become a slave by Renji, who makes all the previously mentioned slave trainers look like Buddy Christ. Somewhere within all of this I ponder suicide.

In case you can't tell, Renji is eating Sacchi with fava beans and a nice ciante.In case you can’t tell, Renji is eating Sacchi with fava beans and a nice ciante.

I have to say it’s rather appropriate that the last entry in this list is also the last OAV I actually watched. Before Bondage Game, I didn’t really think anything else could get to me. I thought Blood Royal Princess was about as bad as it could get. I was wrong; I was dead wrong. Bondage Game has removed any fear I once had of death because compared to the atrocities that unfolded on my computer screen, death is cake. I don’t know what I can really say other than that this OAV contains just about everything contained within the others with the exception of tentacles and steroidal women. On top of that, it contains other horrible fetishes we have not even begun to touch upon.

In choosing a defining moment for this horrible OAV, I have to say that it comes towards the end of the first episode when Yuu is confronted by undeniable evidence that her friend Sacchi has been murdered (read, severed head in lap). We, the viewers, are also given the undeniable suggestion that Renji ate her carcass for dinner. The only consolation I can find in this OAV is that the meat Renji is eating is most likely very foul (considering what he fed Sacchi throughout the OAV).

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